I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize