Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
I need moral support for this bender
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize