If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
