I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
