Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
