if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
too bad you live with your parents still
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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