Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
