i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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