bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
