Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
