I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
