Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
