i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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