i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
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