the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
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