I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize