Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
