I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
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