clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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