Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I think my fart just growled at me.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Randomize
