Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
