I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
