fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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