turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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