dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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