i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
