ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
