i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
