so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
