Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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