maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
We're not piercing ourselves today.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
