I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Randomize
