How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
