I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize
