the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
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