but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize