pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
