guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
