Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
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