You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
