Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Randomize
