We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Randomize
