Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
