I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
