OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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