Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
