Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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