Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Randomize
