I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
