last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
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