GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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