ya dads aren't the best wingmen
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
