Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
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