I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
