This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
