Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
