I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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