so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
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